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The Amazing Dr. Mulfinger

By Ryan Scott

About the book:

Mulfinger considered himself to be gifted when it came to shady deals or seducing women, despite a history of failures. His ability to act without guilt or to have a spontaneous erection made him proud, no! More than proud. In fact, he was amazed.

About the author:

Ryan Scott is a retired psychologist, living in Austin. Other books he has written and published on Kendle include: matter of Attitude, a fable of a horse, cat and guide dog; Ella, a novel set in Northern California during the Great Depression; Darkness, the Secrets of a Blind Psychologist, his autobiography; Relax and Go Limp, a harrowing account of a crazy young killer; Realty Richs for Cowards ; Dogs are better Than Women, a collection of short stories; Off Center Poetry; and Penny Fishbound, a riveting children’s story soon to be released.

Chapter 1

Shortly after Mulfinger was released from jail for selling bogus stocks of a non-existent oil company, he opened an office in a low-rent district. As he looked at the expensive furnishings, (On least of course) he smiled self-congratulatory. He thought it was a stroke of brilliance when he advertise himself as a certified sex therapist. I’m getting rich plus I’m getting a lot of action with hot clients. He checked his schedule. Hmm, now let’s see what nut jobs are on tap for today. There’s Miss Twitchit. I need to go slow with that one. Then there’s Mrs. Ferrari who is a little fat for my taste. General Whippley is always good for a laugh. I’ll finish up with Miss Shelly. She sounded interesting on the phone.

The receptionist knocked lightly. “Dr. Mulfinger, Miss Twitchit is here. Are you ready to see her now?”

“Yes Sally, please send her in.” I’ll bet that secretary is available.

He looked in the mirror. My hairline has receded more than I like, but I can comb the hair on the side over the top. Considering everything, not too bad for 48, even with my paunch.

A thin, nervous woman wearing a long gray dress buttoned to her throat entered the office. “I’m sorry doctor I’m a little late. I almost cancelled my appointment because I’m worried about ‘finger therapy.’”

He smiled warmly. “Hello Miss Twitchit, please take a seat on the therapy couch. I understand you’re nervous, but you’re taking important steps towards overcoming your inhibitions. Just take several deep breaths and relax while I explain the concept of ‘finger therapy.’ When I insert my finger, I’m able to determine your response mechanism and discover if you have any emotional blockages. It’s like taking your temperature only a little different, but I’m not going to start your therapy today.”

. She unclasped her purse. “I think I understand. What do you want me to do now?”

“Please unbutton your dress and expose your breasts,” he replied and took a seat next to her on the therapy couch, professionally patting her knee.

“Oh doctor, I’m a little small. I’m embarrassed to show myself,” she said, casting a look at the exit.

“Let me assure you Miss Twitchit, It’s an essential step in your progress.”

“Well, you’re the doctor so I’ll do what you ask, but I’m nervous. “ She replied, hesitantly unbuttoning her dress.

When her dress gaped opened, he lifted her bra and lightly tapped a nipple. “There, that wasn’t so bad was it Miss Twitchit?” I’d like to give those tits a good squeeze.

She drew back. “Are you sure I should be doing this?”

“Miss Twitchit, Let me assure you it’s the right thing to do in this stage of your growth. You are doing remarkably well. However, this is all the touching I’ll do for today, but there will be much more in the future.”

She let out her breath. “All right doctor, I’ll try to be more relaxed in the future.”

“Excellent Miss Twitchit, you made substantial progress today, unlike that shy little girl the last time you were here. Keep up the good work, but let me caution you not to try anything with someone else. You might feel like you’re ready, but I want you to wait until I break you in properly.”

“Thank you Doctor, I feel much stronger.”

He glanced at his watch. “Miss Twitchit, your time is up. Sally will collect the fee for today’s session. I assumed you have cash, like I require? Good day, Miss Twitchit.”

When she left, he took a quick swig from a flask of Jack Daniels. Damn, she excited me.

Sally buzzed him on the phone. “Dr. Mulfinger, Mrs. Ferrari is here. Are you ready to see her now?”

“No, I’m not quite ready. I need five minutes more to complete my notes,” he replied and hid his flask. I’ll just sit behind my desk until the bulge in my pants goes away.

Several minutes later, he said, “Ok Sally, I’m ready for Mrs. Ferrari.”

A buxom woman with frizzy hair came in the office, took a seat on the therapy couch and crossed her legs. “Hi Dr. Mulfinger, I’m excited to be here.”

She’s as fat as ever, but there’s something about her that’s appealing. “Hello Mrs. Ferrari, I’ve looked over my notes from last time. Are you still frustrated with your husband?”

“Yes I am. He only gives it to me once or twice a month, but I want it all the time. You told me last time you would suggest other options. What are they?”

“That’s right, I think I have something you will like,” He said and removed a vibrator from the cabinet. “This is called a Kangaroo. Notice it’s quite large with a rotating head. The little feelers placed on strategic places give you extra stimulation. If you want to buy it, you can settle with Sally on your way out.” I’ll double the price and make a nifty little profit.

She inspected the vibrator. “It’s nice, but I was hoping for something more.”

“Of course you are my dear. During our last session, you said you had fantasies about being with a black man. I have good news. Dr. Tyrone White, my black associate, has room on his schedule to take care of your needs.”

”Oh really? I’ve always wanted to try a colored man. Tell me something about him.”

“You’re going to like him. He’s tall, good looking and very well endowed.”

“Could I meet him tomorrow?”

“Yes, but it won’t be cheap. We will have to add an additional 500 dollars to your regular fee, but it’s well worth the extra cost.”

“Money is no problem. My husband is in the wholesale produce business and doing well.”

“Excellent. I’ll put you down for 2 tomorrow afternoon. Now, your time is up. Sally will settle your bill. Good day, Mrs. Ferrari. Don’t forget the kangaroo.”

When she left, he took another gulp of whiskey. Those women take a lot out of me. Thank God it’s time for lunch.

Big Daddy’s Steak House was busy as usual, despite persistent rumors of horse meat substituted for beef. After Mulfinger took his customary table, a bright young waitress took his order. “Hello Dr. Mulfinger, would you like your usual today?”

“Hi Kimberly, Yes, I’ll take that steak sandwiched; medium well please,” he replied, noticing her tattoos and nose ring. She’s about 20, nice and tender. I like her generous cleavage when she bends over. “You’re a student, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I’m going to the University to become a psychologist.”

“Excellent! You’ve chosen a challenging field. I’m a psychologist also, and I would be happy to meet with you to discuss your studies.”

She smiled and tapped his wrist. “Thank you Dr. Mulfinger. I just might do that.”

Good, she’s taking the bait. “I’m usually free at night,” he replied, fishing in his pocket for a little blue pill in case he needed it later.

When he returned to his office, a diminutive man was waiting. Sally looked up from her computer. “Hello Dr. Mulfinger, the General has been here for five minutes and he’s very anxious to get started.”

“Hello General Whippley, please come right in. I don’t want you to wait any longer,” Mulfinger said hartilly and escorted the General into his office. “Well General, what would you like to do today?”

“I want to be a bad little girl and do naughty things,” he replied and began to remove his clothes.

What’s that fool up to now? “Excellent general, it’s so important to be in touch with your feelings and act them out in a symbolic way. Now, specifically, just what would you like me to do?”

“I want you to watch me being bad,” the General replied, opening his briefcase and putting on pantyhose and a frilly pink tutu.

Mulfinger cleared his throat. “All right General, you are a bad little girl, and you do very naughty things.”

The General began to run around the room, shouting, “I’m a bad little girl. I’m a bad little girl!”

After ten minutes of dashing from one side of the room to the other, kicking at things and somersaulting, he removed a baseball from his briefcase. Mulfinger watched in amazement as his client shoved the baseball up his rectum, bent over and farted. “Fire number one!” the General shouted. The expelled ball almost hit Mulfinger. “I’m a bad little girl! I’m a bad little girl!”

That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen! “Wonderful General! You were a very bad little girl. We’re making real progress towards integrating your personality.”

“Thank you. I feel much better, but if a pretty girl watched me, I would feel even better.”

Here’s a chance to make some extra bucks, but who could I get. No matter, I’ll find someone. “You’re in luck General. I happen to have a young pretty associate who will watch you, but it will cost an additional $ 400.”

“That’s terrific. When can I come in?”

“You can come tomorrow at 10 in the morning.”

After the General left, Sally buzzed him again. “Doctor, there’s a Mrs. Finny on the phone who would like to talk to you.”

He picked up the phone. “Hello. Yes, this is Dr. Mulfinger. Do I make house calls? Yes, but my fee would be doubled. What kind of fetish. No, I haven’t taken a dump today. All right, you can tell me when I’m there. Very well I’ll turn you back to my secretary so she can get your information.

He hung up the phone. That old lady is willing to pay extra. I’ll see what she wants when I go there tomorrow night.

Sally announced, “Miss Shelly is here Doctor.”

A tall young woman wearing bright red lipstick strode into his office. “Hello Doctor, I really need your help.”

Damn, she’s a knockout! Just look at those tits. “Hello Miss Shelly. Have a seat on the “therapy” couch and tell me what help you need.”

“I’ll get right to the point. I’m obsessed with fucking and sucking. All I think about are big dicks. Would you give me a good spanking and fuck me hard? “

Mulfinger swallowed several times. “Miss Shelly, you do have a problem. No doubt you were traumatized with sexual abuse when you were a child. I’ve found the best way to treat your affliction is for you to relive the experience so I’m going to bring you the relief you need. However, I have to talk with my secretary first.” He opened the door. “Sally, please cancel all my appointments, and then take the rest of the afternoon off.”

Two hours later, he was panting from his exertions. After Miss Shelly dressed and gave him a peck on the nose, she left. When she was gone, he took a swig of Jack Daniels. That girl certainly throws herself into her therapy, but I’m on empty, and I still have to call Tyrone. I also have to find a girl for the General. Shit! My work load is getting to be too God damn heavy!

Chapter 2

That evening, Mulfinger tried to call his associate, but no one answered. Come on Tyrone! Pick up the damn phone!. Damn it, pick it up!

Eventually, someone answered with his voice sounding gravelly. “Who the fuck is it?”

“Tyrone, it’s me, Dr. Mulfinger. I have another job for you. She’s white and has a big ass, the kind you like.”

“Dude, I’m sick as a mofo. Call me when you get another ho what wants a good fucking,” He replied, coughed and hung up.

Damn it the hell! Now I have to find a substitute. Where can I find someone at this late hour? Maybe I could go to the Salvation Army. There’s always a bunch of men hanging out there.

After he drove his Lamborghini slowly past the Salvation Army headquarters, he nosed his car into the parking lot. A group of men came running, shouting, “Hey bro! Take me. I be needing work.”

After parking his car, He looked over the group of unkempt men and shook his head. I don’t see anyone I could use.

When he spotted a tall young black man, he motioned him to come over. Someone muttered, “This mother fucking fag don’t got no damn job.”

As the young man sauntered to the car, Mulfinger rolled down his window. “What’s your name young man?”

“I be Jefferson, Mister Sir.”

Perfect, he will do nicely. “Jefferson are you free tomorrow afternoon?”

“Yes Sir, I am.”

“Good, I need you for one hour. I’ll pay you $25.”

“Look man, I aint no queer and I aint doing nothing illegal, like drugs or stealing.”

“Excellent! You’re just the man I’m looking for. I’m a psychologist, and I have a client who needs sex. She’s white, clean and has a big ass.”

“Are you kidding? What’s the catch?”

“No gimmick. It’s a simple job of doing it for one hour, and then you go your way.”

“Ok, I’ll do it.”

“Good, I’ll pick you up here tomorrow at 1:45 in the afternoon, but take a bath. You won’t have to say much, but I’ll call you Dr. Tyrone White. Is it a deal?”

“I be there.”

As he drove away, he thought, good work old boy. Now I have to find a girl for the General.

He decided to go to the naked bunny club in search of a suitable associate. After parking his car under flashing lights, he paid the cover fee and entered a dimly lit room. When his eyes adjusted to the dark, he stared at nearly naked women thrusting their hips and shaking their chests to loud driving music.

A waitress greeted him. “Come this way. I have a table for you. We have a three drink minimum; ten dollars each. What do you want?”

Jesus! What a rip-off! “I’ll take jack Daniels, neat.”

A small, voluptuous girl, who was wearing a see-through G string, came to his table. “Hey you good looking spender, Do you want a lap dance? I’m real good with my knee.”

“How much?”

“For you Honey, only $25 tonight. It’s Tuesday’s special.”

When the music began, she thrust her pelvic close to his face and rubbed his crotch with her knee. He became aroused. The music abruptly stopped. “Do you want some more of this, Big Guy?”

“Yes, please don’t stop now.”

The music played for a short time and abruptly stopped again. “Hey Daddy, I like what you’re packing down there. I’ll give you some more, and those two hot girls over there want in on the action. Ok?”

“Sure, bring it on,” he replied.

When the music stopped for the third time, he said, “That’s all for now, thank you. Here is your $20 plus a five dollar tip.”

“Cut that shit, Buddy! You owe $125, and I expect a generous tip.”

He choked on his drink. “How come I owe you so much?”

“Figure it out for yourself Genius. I gave you three dances and the girls each gave you one.”

”All right, damn it. Those dances were too short, but here’s $ 150. By the way, tomorrow afternoon I need a girl for one hour. I would pay you one hundred dollars for that job. I’m a psychologist...”

“Fuck off Mister,” she snapped and walked away.

A big bouncer grabbed his shirt front. “Ok Buddy! This is a respectable place. We don’t allow our girls to be solicited,” he said and dragged Mulfinger to the front door and tossed him out.

Mulfinger lay sprawled on the street. How dare that asshole treat me this way! I’m sick of this shit. I’m going to tell the General he’ll just have to find his own Goddamn girl.

As he struggled to get up, a skinny young woman came to his aid. “Hey Mister, are you all right?”

He brushed off his pants. “I’m fine, only my pride is wounded. What are you doing out so late?”

“I’m Judy Smith. Mister, I’ve been living on the streets for six days, and I’m hungry and I don’t have a place to stay. Do you know where I could go?”

He studied her for a moment. She’s dirty, but she has an innocent face. If I clean her up, she would be good enough for the General. I think I just found the girl I need. There’s something about this girl’s sweetness that touches me. “My name is Dr. Mulfinger. You can stay in my spare bedroom, but first, I’m going to pick up some food. Do you like Chinese?”

“Oh sure, anything would be good. I’m so hungry.”

When they entered his bachelor’s suite, she looked around and said, “Golly Mister, you have a beautiful place.”

He smiled. “You can call me Bernard. Now I’m going to put our food on the veranda. It has a good view of the city.”

As she hungrily ate, he asked, “Judy, how old are you?”

She swallowed the food. “Oh, I just turned 18, but my dad through me out and told me I had to make my own way. He’s an alcoholic, and My Mom died last year.”

Mulfinger looked alarmed. “The street is a dangerous place. You need to find a place where you’ll be safe.”

“Ya, I know. Do you have some work I could do?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. All you have to do is to watch a silly General run around and act like a little girl while he performs his tricks.”

“Do I have to do anything with him?”

“No, all you have to do is to tell him he’s a bad little girl.”

“Bernard, I think you are awesome.”

“Thank you Judy. Now, I’ll show you your room. It has a TV and a private bath. Do you have any other clothes to wear?”

She looked embarrassed. “No, I’m sorry to say. These are all I have.”

“Those won’t do. First thing tomorrow, I’m going to take you to Macy’s and get you a decent outfit.”

Tears came to her eyes. “Bernard, I think you’re amazing.”

Chapter 3

Mulfinger woke up to the smell of coffee and bacon. When he went into the kitchen, he saw Judy standing by the stove and frying eggs. “Well, look at you, little lady, you made breakfast. I didn’t know you knew how to cook.”

“Good morning Bernard. I hope you don’t mind. I used to cook for my father all the time.”

“It’s just dandy with me. It smells good in here. After we eat, we can get you some new clothes.”

“Bernard, are you sure you want to do that? You’ve done so much for me already.”

“Are you kidding? I can’t have you showing up in my office looking homeless, but you look quite sophisticated with your hair tied up in that bun.”

After breakfast, they went to the women’s clothing department at Macy’s where Judy looked longingly at a silver cocktail dress on display. “Oh look Bernard! Isn’t it beautiful?”

Suddenly feeling magnanimous, he thought, let the kid get whatever she wants. There’s enough limit on my phony credit card left. “Judy, you can buy that dress and everything else you need. Get three or four outfits!”

“Thank you, thank you, you wonderful man,” She exclaimed and threw her arms around his neck.

He smiled. I’m liking all this adulation.

When Judy tried on the dress, she asked, “Well, how do you like it?”

“You look absolutely stunning,” he said, astonished with her transformation.

“Thank you Bernard. Now I’m going to get some more outfits,” she said and selected a yellow summer dress, three pairs of short shorts , four tank tops, two pairs of tight fitting designer jeans, four silk blouses, two sweaters, three miniskirts plus purses, shoes and accessories for each ensemble.

When she was through with her shopping spree, Mulfinger nodded appreciatively. “Judy, I like that pale blue mini skirt with that low-cut silk blouse you’re wearing. It shows off your figure nicely.”

“Thank you Bernard, I just love my new things!”

“I like them too. Now, let’s go to work.”When he entered his office, he saw something was amiss. Sally was gone, the drawers were pulled out with papers strewn on the floor and the safe was wide opened. He dashed to the safe. “Empty! All $102,000, gone! That fucking bitch; and I thought I could trust her!”

He quickly dialed Sally’s number, but all he heard was a recorded message. “The number you dialed has been disconnected at the customer’s request.”


Someone loudly knocked. When He yanked the door open, he saw General Whippley with hat in hand, grinning superciliously. “Good morning, Dr. Mulfinger. I’m right on time just like always.”

Shit! I want to strangle that God damn secretary, but now I have to deal with this fool. He smiled. “Hello General, My associate and I are ready. Let’s step into my office and begin your treatment.”

As soon as the door was shut, the General stripped off his uniform, looking approvingly at Judy. After he dressed in his panty hose and pink tutu, he began to run around the office, yelling, “I’m a bad little girl. I’m a bad little girl.”

Judy began to giggle, but Mulfinger gave her a dirty look. When the General farted a baseball, she stifled her laughter and managed to say, “Oh General that was fantastic. You’re such a bad little girl!”

He looked proud. “Thank you, it’s especially nice to be appreciated by a lovely young woman. Most girls simply don’t understand what I’m all about.”

After the general dressed in his uniform, Mulfinger said, “Sally had to leave early so you can pay me instead.”

The general winked at Judy, paid for the session and quickly left.

With a grand gesture, Mulfinger handed $200 to Judy. “Here, honey, you were great. That fool whispered he would like to come back for another session but only if you are here.”

“Bernard, this is too much! You already have given me so much.”

“You’ve earned it. You’re a bright young woman. Do you know how to use computers?”

“Oh sure, I know all about that stuff. I took secretarial trading in high school.”

“Great! I would like to train you as my assistant. I’ll show you what needs to be done, but now it’s time for lunch. After we eat, I’ll take you back to the apartment so you can hang up your new clothes.”

As Mulfinger sat with Judy at his usual table at Big Daddies, he looked for Kimberly, but didn’t see her. He tapped the menu. “Judy, what would you like to drink? I’m having Jack Daniels with a beer.”

“I would like a glass of wine, but I don’t have an ID, so I’ll just take water.”

He patted her hand. “Don’t worry; I’ll make a new ID for you tomorrow.”

Kimberly came from the kitchen and waved. “Hi Dr. Mulfinger. I was hoping you would come in today. I’m having a test on cognitive theories and I would like your help."

“I’ll be happy to help you. I have an appointment for tonight but I’m free tomorrow evening. Here’s my card with my private number,” he replied, admiring her cleavage.

“Awesome, I’ll call you later after work,” she said and shoved his card down her bra.

When she left, Judy snipped, “Who’s your new friend, Bernard?”

“Oh, she’s just a student. I like to assist people who need help.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll go out tomorrow night. Who knows, I might even meet someone who needs my help!”

“No, Judy, you don’t have to do that,” he replied unconvincingly. She’s jealous, but I can’t blame her. I’m glad she’ll be out of the picture when Kimberly comes.

After he dropped Judy off at his suite, he found Jefferson waiting for him at the corner, wearing his Sunday-go-to-church suit, smelling of Brute cologne. Mulfinger bumped his fist. “Hello Jefferson. I see you dressed appropriately. Incidentally, don’t forget your name is Dr. Tyrone White.”

”Good afternoon, Doctor, Sir, I’m ready to do that bitch.”

Soon after they arrived at the office, Mrs. Ferrari bustled through the door. “I couldn’t wait. Is this young man Tyrone?”

“Yes, my associate is prepared to administer your treatment. Now, I think we should get started.”

She looked appreciatively at Jefferson and began to unbutton her blouse. “Oh, yes please, let’s do get started!”

One hour later, when Jefferson was through with his assignment, Mulfinger asked, “Mrs. Ferrari are you satisfied? If not, Dr. White will continue with the treatment if necessary.”

She continued to lay limply across the therapy couch. “No, doctor, I loved it, but I can’t take anymore treatment.”

“All right then, we’ll call it quits for today. Sally is absent so you can pay me instead.”

After Mrs. Ferrari quickly dressed, paid her bill and left, Jefferson rubbed the small of his back. “Dr. Mulfinger, sir, I think I strained my back. Could you give me a ride?”

“Oh sure Jefferson, let’s go down to the car.”

When they were in the Lamborghini, Mulfinger said, “Oh by the way, here is the $25 I owe you.”

Jefferson pulled a small pistol from his pocket. “You mother fucker! That bitch gave you $500! I did all the work, and now you want to give me only $25? That ain’t right. Now, you sorry cracker, give me the rest of that money and drive south until I tell you to stop!”

Mulfinger spoke quickly. “Look, if I said $25. I meant to say $250. Here take half.”

“Give it all to me, Mother Fucker and drive or I’ll fill that fat belly with lead!”

As Mulfinger sped down the freeway, heading south, Jefferson was sitting alert, holding his gun and watching him closely.

When Mulfinger saw a police car traveling in the opposite direction, he increased his speed to 150 miles per hour, but the patrolman continued without turning around. That fucking cop must have been late for coffee and doughnuts.

“Hey you Fucker slow down and keep the speed limit or you’ll be spitting bullets,” Jefferson warned and cocked the pistol.

Mulfinger slowed down. He’s not wearing his seat belt. If I slammed head-long into an abutment, he would get hurt worse than I would, but I don’t want to get hurt at all. What am I worried about! He can have this Lamborghini. I was going to dump it anyway because the repossessers are hot on my ass and it has numerous warrants. I just hope that thug doesn’t want to kill me.

“Ok, cracker, see the road up there that goes into the woods? Turn there,” Jefferson ordered, gesturing with his gun.

Mulfinger slow down to make the turn and entered a wooded area. “Stop you mother fucker and take off your clothes.”

“Look Jefferson, you can have this car. I won’t say anything. Just drive away and leave me in peace.”

Jefferson jabbed the gun in his ribs. “Do what I say or else!”

Mulfinger quickly undressed without further protest.

Jefferson used Bernard’s shoestrings to tie his wrist and ankles together, leaving his bare ass sticking up, exposed to the blazing sun and hungry mosquitoes. After he had gathered up the scattered clothes and Mulfinger’s wallet, he tossed them in the Lamborghini and sped away, yelling, “All right cracker, you have a nice day!”

Mulfinger shouted for help, but No one answered; only the sound of traffic was audible. Nothing to do now but hop down to the road and hope someone sees me.

He began to hop towards the highway, feeling like a lame grasshopper. When he finally reached the side of the road, he was exhausted, but he felt a rush of relief when an eighteen wheel truck stopped next to him. A burly bald headed driver swung out of the cab, yelling, “Hey, Buddy, what happened.”

“I’ve been robbed, kidnapped, stripped of my clothes and my car was stolen with all my things.”

The truck driver began to unbuckle his belt. “Buddy, this is your unlucky day.”

After the trucker had his way with Mulfinger, he climbed back in the truck. Mulfinger pleaded, “Look man, could you at least cut these strings and give me something to wear?”

“Sure little buddy. I can do that,” he said, withdrawing a knife and deftly cutting the strings and then tossing a dirty sheet to the hapless victim. “So long Buddy. I got to be rolling down the road.”

Mulfinger tried to hitchhike, but the motorists ignored him until a college student stopped and returned him to his suite. When Judy opened the door, she exclaimed, “Bernard, what happened, and why are you wearing that filthy sheet?”

“You don’t want to know, but it aint pretty. Jesus I’m exhausted,” he replied, collapsing in a chair.

“Bernard, please tell me what happened. “

“Ok, damn it. I was kidnapped. My car was stolen; so were my clothes and my wallet. Finally, on top of all that, I was raped by a crazy truck driver!”

“Oh you poor man, do you want me to call the police?”

“Hell no, I don’t want them snooping in my business!”

“Bernard, first Sally took your money, and now all of this has happened. Maybe the police could help you get your things back.”

“Look Judy, I appreciate your concern, but let me explain something. I’m a creative businessman, but I do things my own way. I bring services to people who wouldn’t be able to find them elsewhere, but the establishment frowns on some of my shortcuts. They even might put me in jail, so I leave them alone. I don’t want them to be attracted to me. In other words, I fly under the radar.”

“Bernard, I don’t care what shortcuts you take. I think you’re amazing!”

“Thank you Judy. Now I need a bath.”

Later, Judy served him a glass of Jack Daniels with a twist of lemon. “Oh by the way, Mrs. Finny called and said you have an appointment with her at eight o’clock this evening. She said she tried to call Sally, but couldn’t get through so she used your private line. I wrote down her address.”

“Oh shit, I forgot all about that. I don’t want to go, but I need the money, so I guess I have a date with an old crow. Please call a cab.”

After driving across town, the driver stopped in front of a Victorian mansion. “Would you wait for me? I’ll pay the extra cost,” Mulfinger said and got out of the cab.

When he banged the brass knocker, he heard small yapping dogs. An elderly woman wearing an ankle-length black dress opened the door. “You naughty doggies be quiet; get down! Hello I assume you are Dr. Mulfinger? Please excuse my puppies. Come with me to my parlor where we can have tea and talk.”

“Thank you Mrs. Finny, please lead the way,” he said as five Pekinese snapped at his heels. I hate these fucking mutts!

When he took a seat in a velvet wing-back chair, he noticed everything in the room was old but expensive. The grandfather clock, the Persian carpets, the marble top tables all spoke of money.

Mrs. Finny placed a sterling silver tea set on the table between them. “Do you like my children? This one is Love puff. That black one is precious Jewel. The smaller ones are Jade, Silver Moon and Mama’s Darling.”

He moved his shoe away from an angry mouth. “Oh yes, they’re my favorite breed! I’d like to have a bunch of them, but I just don’t have the space.”

“I’m glad to hear you like dogs. Now, young man, before we go any further, I must have your assurance of confidentiality. I can’t have vicious gossip circulating around me.”

“My good Mrs. Finny, I understand your situation perfectly. As a licensed psychologist, I have a sacred oath not to divulge information about my clients. “

“All right then, let me tell you what I require. My husband, may he rest in peace, liked to engage in “ass-play,”” she said and gazed vacantly through the window.

After several moments, Mulfinger asked, “What would he do?”

“Oh, he would let me give him an enema, and then I would lie on the bathroom floor with a piece of glass over my face. He would squat over the glass and went bathroom. When he did that, I felt very loved and secure.”

Mulfinger swallowed. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to pretend to be my husband, let me give you an enema, and then do what my husband used to do.”

“Mrs. Finny, that service is a little beyond the scope of my business, but if you make it worth my time, I’ll consider being your husband and shitting on you. How much would you pay?”

”Young man, I would pay you $2000, but not a penny more.”

Fuck, the job is disgusting, but I need the money, and it couldn’t be worse than this afternoon. “Very well, Mrs. Finny I’ll do it,”” He replied with clenched buttocks.

“Wonderful! Finish your tea and then come with me to the lavatory.”

When they were crowded in an old fashion bathroom, she said, “Now you must remove all your clothes, even your underwear. That’s right; now bend over so I can have a good look.”

After he bent over, Mrs. Finny examined him closely. “Now, I’m going to give you your enema, you naughty boy,” she said and jammed a lubricated nozzle up his ass.

“Ouch! Ouch!” he shouted as she went to work. When the “ass-play” was over, Mrs. Finny wrote a check for $2000.

Mulfinger, slightly soiled from their activity, grabbed the check and ran out of the stately mansion with five angry Pekinese snapping at his heels. He dashed to the taxi, shouting, “Let’s get the fuck out of here before those fucking mongrels tear me apart!”

Chapter 4

The next morning during breakfast, Mulfinger asked, “Hey Judy, what’s your favorite kind of car?”

“I’ve always like convertible Corvettes, especially red ones.”

“I like them too. With your help, I think I might be able to get one in the next several days.”

“Tell me what to do and I’m on it!”

“Well, your first assignment is to get on the internet and find a man about my age who recently died and is wealthy. “

“”I could do that, but why?”

“Just be patient and watch the magic happen.”

After a few clicks on the computer, she said, “Hey Bernard, what do you think of this one?” ‘Richard Hamilton III, age 50, died from a freak yachting accident. He is survived by his wife, Brandy and their children. His funeral is pending notification of other family members.’“

“Perfect! Now could you find his phone number?”

After she had dialed the number, he took the phone and said, “May I speak to Mrs. Brandy Hamilton please? Hello Mrs. Hamilton, this is Fred Bronson from the Coroner’s Office. I hate to bother you at this time, but I need just a little more information about Richard. First, what was his social security number? Yes, I can wait. All right, that agrees with what we have. Next can you tell me his birth date and where he was born? Good, Finally, What was his mother’s maiden name? Thank you very much, Mrs. Hamilton. Now we can complete the paperwork.”

Bernard, what are you going to do with that information?”

”I’m going to become Richard Hamilton III and buy a Corvette, but we have to work fast before his death is officially posted. In the meantime we need another car. Fortunately, I have a backup I D and credit card.”

At the Space Age Car Rental, Mulfinger looked scornfully at the salesman. “I’m very particular about the kind of car I drive. What are your high-end luxury cars?”

“You are in luck, sir! We have a beautiful high-end Lincoln town car. Would you like to take that one?”

“What color is it?”

“It’s black sir.”

“Very well then, I’ll take it, but make it snappy.”

After taking possession of the Lincoln, Mulfinger drove across town to a middle class neighborhood and began to cruise slowly up and down the streets. Judy suddenly pointed to a house on 1505 Maple tree Drive. “Look Bernard! That one looks like the one you said you wanted.”

He stopped the car. “Your right! Its windows are boarded-up and its yard is overgrown. Take down the address.”

After returning home, he called the tax collector. When he learned the vacant house was tied up in litigation, he said, “We have a perfect mailing address. Now we are going to get a birth certificate. Please get the phone number for the keeper of records at Mule Neck County, Alabama.”

After she found the number, he called, “Sir, my name is Richard Hamilton III and I want my birth certificate. I was born on October 11, 1955 and my mother’s maiden name is Kinkly. One thing more, please send the certificate in the overnight mail to 1505 Maple tree Drive. I’ll pay you now with a credit card.”

He hung up the phone and brushed imaginary lint from his lapel. “Ok Judy, now I’ve finished that part. Next, I’m going to get a credit card in the name of Richard Hamilton III.

“That’s brilliant. You’re amazing Bernard, but I thought you all ready had a spare card,”

“I do, but it’s almost maxed out. I’ve been paying the minimum monthly charge, but the credit limit is almost used up so I’m going to make a few calls and correct that deficiency.”

He called the “Fly-By-Night credit Company, using the name of Richard Hamilton III, and was immediately approved with a credit limit of $25,000. The card would be sent to 1503 Mable Tree Drive by overnight post.

“Ok Judy, that’s my magic. Now we’re almost ready to buy that corvette.”

“Bernard, that was amazing, but could you get me a new ID as well?”

He patted her ass. “Yes, I’ll do it with my high-tech duplicator, but first I have to stop at the liquor store and pick up some Jack.”

When he parked in front of Fred’s Booze Emporium, he saw Sally getting into a dark green limousine. He dashed to her and grabbed her arm, yelling, “Where’s my money, you fucking bitch?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about; I’ve never seen you before!” she replied indignantly.

“Don’t give me that shit, Sally Brown! You know what I’m talking about!”

Someone with a gruff New Jersey accent growl from the limousine, “Hey Baby, if that clown is fucking with you, I’ll come out there and break his God damn nose!”

Mulfinger quickly walked away. “Never mind, I made a mistake.”

After she got in the car, he read the name on the door, “Ferrari’s Wholesale Produce Company.”

Shrugging off the encounter, he thought, I’m not going to mess with the mafia. My life is worth more than $102,000.

That night, after Judy served him a steak dinner, she came to him wearing her silver cocktail dress. “I hope you enjoy your evening with Kimberly. Maybe I’ll see you around!” she said and flounced out of the apartment.

He called, “Hey Judy, wait!” She slammed the door and was gone. He poured a tumbler of whisky. She’ll be back soon enough. Now, I need to get ready for Kimberly.

He was wearing a dinner jacket with shiny lapels anticipating Kimberly’s arrival. When she knocked, he eagerly opened the door, but when he saw her, he thought, damn it, she’s wearing blue jeans and a sweat shirt. I was hoping for a mini skirt. ”Good evening Kimberly, you look lovely tonight. Please come with me to my studio. What would you like to drink? I’m having a Jack and water myself.”

“Thank you, a glass of ice tea would be great.”

Shit! That’s not what she’s supposed to drink. “I’ll get you a glass. I think there’s a pitcher already made.”

When he returned with the drinks, he sat down on the sofa with his knee pressed against her thigh, but she moved her leg away. “Would you mind turning the lights on a little brighter? It’s kind of dark in here,” she said.

Fuck! She’s not being cooperative. “Oh sure,” he replied, reluctantly making the lights brighter.

Kimberly took a book from her backpack. “All right now, Dr. Mulfinger, I’m going to pick your brains. Who is known for rational emotive therapy?”

“Well, routine emotive therapy was invented by…”

“I did not say routine therapy. I said rational emotive therapy!”

“Oh yes, quite right. That’s what I meant to say.”

“So, who invented it?”

“Well, rat shell theory was invented by a group of scientist who work cooperatively over a period of time. All of them were responsible,” he replied, hoping he had guessed right.

She frowned. “I never heard that before. I think a man named Ellis is known for rational emotive therapy, but I don’t know his first name.”

“Oh yes, you’re correct. We’ve worked together on several projects, but his first name also slips my memory.”

“That’s interesting. Who is known for non- directive listening?”

“Albert Einstein?” he hopefully said.

“That’s ridiculous! Look Dr. Mulfinger, I don’t think you know what the fuck you’re talking about! I’m getting out of here!”

“Aw hell Kimberly, you don’t have to leave. Now that you’re here, we might as well have a little fun,” he said, desperately trying to salvage the evening.

“What makes you think I want to have ‘fun?’”

“I thought we had a connection. You always acted glad to see me when I came into the restaurant.”

“Of course I did. You were a good tipper, but if you think I want to fuck you, you better think twice,” she said and quickly left.

Chapter 5

On the following morning, Mulfinger was concerned when he discovered Judy had not returned since last night. Damn, it’s not safe for an innocent kid like that to be out on the streets. I hope she’s all right.

He waited for another hour, but she still had not returned. I can’t wait any longer. I have to cash Mrs. Finney’s check before she puts a stop on it.

After he went to her bank and cashed her check, he drove to Mable Tree Drive to wait for the postman. While he was waiting, a big man with a barrel chest came from the adjacent house. “Hey Pal, you’ve been here for an hour. What’s going on?”

Mulfinger rolled his window down. “I’m with the Brooklyn Detective Agency. Our client has bought that house. I’m keeping an eye on it until the closing.”

The neighbor appeared satisfied and returned to his home.

Mulfinger took a swig from his hip flask and called Judy, but she didn’t answer. Damn, she’s still not there. I hope she hasn’t left for good. I’m getting used to her being around.

After the postman arrived, Mulfinger quickly took two letters from the mailbox and sped to the Motor Vehicle Department where he stepped up to the counter. “My name is Richard Hamilton III. I’m applying for a driver’s license, but almost all of my identification has been stolen. However, I do have my birth certificate, this credit card and these envelopes address to me.”

The clerk studied the documentation for a moment and nodded his approval. After successfully completing the driving and written test, Mulfinger received a temporary license. The permanent license would be sent to Mable Tree Drive within ten days.

He rushed back to his suite and threw the door open. “Hey Judy! I’m here! Where are you?”

Damn it, where the fuck could she be. I don’t have time to drive around and look for her. I have to get back to my office. I’ll just stash this cash in the desk drawer in the meantime.

When he was back at his office, Miss Twitchit unexpectedly burst through the door. “Hello Dr. Mulfinger. I dropped by to give you the good news. You don’t have to continue my treatment. I know you told me not to do anything with someone else, but I met the most wonderful man, and we can’t stop making love. Isn’t that fabulous?”

Shit! I should have done her the last time she was here. “That’s very good news Miss Twitchit. I’m pleased with your growth, but if you should need me in the future, I think “finger therapy” would be efficacious.”

After she left, he took a swig of Jack Daniels, but before he could put the bottle away, a tall stern-face woman with short black hair, no makeup, glue jeans and a man’s shirt emphasizing her flat chest came into his office.

“Are you Dr. Mulfinger, the sex therapist?”

“Yes I am, Miss?” he replied.

“The name is Bush, Gloria Bush. Could I pay you $100 to squeeze my breast and touch my vagina?”

“Why yes, I could do that. My fee for a simple squeeze and touch is exactly $ 100. Please remove your shirt.”

She gave him a hundred dollar bill, but when he lightly squeezed her nipple, she took a whistle from her pocket and blew it three times.

Suddenly two men with their guns drawn kicked the door open, yelling, “You’re under arrest. We’re taking you down to the slammer, Buddy. Hold out your wrist,” the larger one said and snapped on hand cuffs.

”Wait! You’re making a big mistake. I’m a doctor!”

“You’re charged with prostitution and indecent behavior,” the older officer said and roughly pushed him into the elevator.

After they hauled him to the police station, he was booked, finger-printed, photographed and told to Remove his shoestrings and belt. An overweight policeman with a handle bar mustache grabbed his arm. “Now come with me, I’m taking you to the embassy suite.”

After the escort unlocked three doors, he unlocked a large cell occupied by a group of desperate-looking men. The officer pushed Mulfinger into the cell, laughing derisively. “Here’s your new home Governor. Ring if you need room service.”

The metallic clank of the door echoed through the halls. A derelict white man approached him. “Hey mister, you got a cigarette?”

“I don’t smoke,” he replied haughtily and sat down in a corner by himself.

A tall young black man strolled over to him. “Good afternoon, Dr. Mulfinger. Fancy meeting you here, you mother fucker.”

“Jefferson! What are you doing here?”

“You know fucking well why I’m here. You let me take that car from you without telling me it was hot with a bunch of warrants. Shit, I was busted before I went ten miles.”

“Listen here Jefferson; I didn’t do all that well myself. After you left me trust up like a Christmas hog, a truck driver stopped his rig and corn holed me.”

Jefferson slapped his knee, laughing uproariously. When he could speak, he said, “Well, you tried to rip me off and let me take that fucking hot Lamborghini. I took your money and got you fucked up the ass. Slap me five and call it even. Now we are stuck in this shit-hole together, but I won’t let anyone else mess with you.”

“Thank you Jefferson, that’s a deal. I was worried about some of the characters in here.”

A jailer came to the cell door and yelled, “Mulfinger, come with me. You can make your two phone calls.

His first call was to a bail bondsman who told him his bail of $15,000 would be advanced, but he had to pay $1500 up front. Next, he placed a call to his home. Please let her be there!

After four rings, Judy answered, “Hello,” who is this?”

“It’s me. Thank God you’re there. I’m in jail and I want you to go to the Back-braker Bondsman and give them $1500. There’s $2000 in my desk. I’ll explain everything later. They’re making me get off the phone now.”

Two hours later, the jailor reappeared, shouting, “Mulfinger, you’re getting out now, but don’t worry. You’ll be back soon enough!”

When he finally stepped away from the police station, Judy was waiting for him in the Lincoln. He dashed to the car and jumped in. “Damn, it’s good to see you, but where did you find the car?”

“Hi Bernard, I found the spare key in the desk and took a cab to your office and there it was. Why were you in jail?”

“A bitch from the vice squad set me up, but don’t worry. I’ll figure a way out of the charges. Now, let’s get away from this fucking place.”

“One more thing,” She added. ” “When I was backing up, I ran into a pole and damaged the rear fender.”

He patted her knee. “Don’t worry. It won’t cost us a damn cent!”

When he was back at his suite, he sipped a tumbler of Jack Daniels and gave Judy an appraising look. Suddenly, he demanded, “, Where in hell were you last night? I was half sick with worry.”

She continued to read a movie magazine. “Oh, I was at different places. Did you enjoy your visit with Kimberly?”

“Oh fuck, don’t worry about that! She got fresh with me so I made her go home.”

“Somehow that doesn’t sound like you, but if you don’t question me, I won’t cross examine you about your activities. In the meantime, what are we going to do for a living?”

He stood up and paced. “I’ve been thinking about that while I was in jail. With the cops watching me, practicing sex therapy is too risky; so I’m going to Houston to practice faith healing. You could play an important role as “Sister Judy if you want to come with me.”

“Count me in,” she replied and through down her magazine.

“Great, but first, we have to hang around for a little while longer while I defend myself against those ridiculous charges. “

“What about the Corvette?”

“We’ll get it today if we find the right deal.”

“That’s exciting! I can hardly wait,” she said and threw her arms around his neck.

“I’m cranked up too. Now let’s see about getting a new car.”

“Guess what, Bernard; I’ve located a red convertible Corvette at Central Chevrolet without a down payment.”

“That’s terrific Judy; you’re a girl after my own heart.”

Chapter 6

When they arrived at the dealership, Judy exclaimed, “Oh Look Bernard, there it is in the showroom. Isn’t it beautiful?”

A flashy young man wearing a checkered vest greeted them. “Welcome to Central Chevrolet, the biggest dealer in town. Can I wrap this little beauty up for you today?” he asked, affectionately patting the hood of the red Corvette.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it. My niece here is going into college, and she wants a red convertible.”

The salesman cast a broad smile on Judy. “That’s terrific! This year’s Corvettes are very popular with the younger set. We have a special with no down payment, providing your uncle’s credit is good enough.”

Mulfinger drew himself up indignantly. “Young man, does the name Richard Hamilton III mean anything to you? I assure you my credit is flawless. Never mind about the price. Whatever my niece wants, she gets!”

The salesman bowed slightly. “Yes Sir, yes Sir, I’ll just run a simple credit check to confirm your excellent credit, and then I’ll speed the paperwork through my manager.”

After Mulfinger had signed all the paperwork, he said, “Judy, I want you to take the Lincoln and follow me back to the Car Rental so we can turn it in. Then, I’ll let you take the Corvette for a test drive.”

“Wow, I can hardly wait.”

They drove to the Space Age Car Rental where Judy parked and walked quickly over to the Corvette. “What now Bernard?”

“You can drive the Corvette, but let’s get away from here fast,” he replied and slid across the seat.

“What about the damaged fender?”

“We’ve given them back their car like good citizens. Now they can fix their own damn fender.”

“That’s down with me,” she replied and eagerly took the wheel. When she stomped the accelerator, the car leaped forward with its tires squealing. “Now, I’m going to find out how fast this baby will go,” she yelled with her eyes glittering.

“Judy, you’re going 100 Miles per hour; slow down just a bit!”

“Hell no!” she yelled and increased the speed.

“For Christ’s sake Judy, a cop just made a U turn, and he’s coming after you. Take the next exit and get lost in a residential neighborhood, but slow down or the car will roll over.”

She decreased her speed, but ran through a red light before she found a quiet street.

“Quick, drive up that circular driveway and park behind those bushes,” he ordered.

As she slid to a stop, he heard multiple sirens in pursuit. “Now, just sit tight and hope they don’t see us,” he said as a screaming patrol car raced past.

“Wow Bernard! I love it!”

“So do I, but on our way back home, let’s keep the speed limit.”

“Oh Bernard, you’re such a fuddy-duddy, but I’m going to fix that tonight,” she said and gave him a coy look.

“What does that look mean?”

“Oh, never mind.”

That evening, he retired early. As he was drifting off to sleep, Judy got in bed with him and pressed her chest against his back, whispering, “Bernard, I want to be with you tonight.”

He was suddenly wide awake and sat up. “Judy, this isn’t right. Ordinarily I would be grateful, but I’m old enough to be your father. I feel protective of you.”

“I love older men, and I’m no virgin, if that’s what’s bothering you,” she said and rubbed his inner thigh.

When he became aware she was naked, he was unable to resist running his hand down her silky back and over the swell of her hips.

Later, as they both lay gasping for air, she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Oh Bernard, that was beautiful.”

A tear rolled down his face, but he quickly wiped it away.

The next morning, he awoke to the smell of bacon and eggs, thinking, was last night a dream or did we really make love?

Judy, freshly showered with her hair still wet, came in and sat beside him. “Good morning Bernard, thank you for last night. I’ve never been so happy.”

He kissed her neck. “So, it wasn’t a dream after all. Would you like to do it again? You don’t have to worry about pregnancy because I’ve had a vasectomy.”

“Yes, but first, let’s eat breakfast. I’m starving.”

Chapter 7

Mulfinger sauntered into the antiquated court room for his hearing with an air of confidence. The judge, an elderly man with a sour expression, cleared his throat. “Mr. Mulfinger you have been charged with prostitution; to wit: you allegedly accepted $100 from vice-squad detective Gloria bush in exchange for touching her private parts. How do you plead?”

“I’m innocent, Your Honor.”

The judge nodded. “Then, you are entitled to have a jury trial or have a judge determine the merits of your case. What is your preference?”

“Your Honor, I want my case to be determined by a judge. Also, I beg the court’s indulgence. My wife lives in Anchorage with brain cancer, and she doesn’t have long to live. If it were possible, could I have my trial early so I’d have time to fly up there and say goodbye if I’m found innocent.”

The Judge checked his calendar. Finally he said, “Your request is a bit unusual, but under the circumstances, your trial will be set for next Wednesday at 2 in the afternoon.”

“Thank you, Your Honor. Now could I have a copy of my indictment?”

Later that afternoon, Mulfinger approached the librarian of the University law archives. “Excuse me Madam; my name is Dr. Richard Hamilton III. I’m a law professor at Harvard, and I’ve been invited to speak at this University. I need to look up several items from your library. Here’s my card,” he said, handing her a card identifying him as Richard Hamilton III Ph. D., Full professor at Harvard Law School.

She glanced at the card. “Yes of course, Dr. Hamilton, how can I help you?”

“I need several references on the proper wording for an indictment of prostitution.”

She smiled deferentially, saying, “We’ll be happy to help you Professor. I’ll have one of the interns look that information up for you. While you wait, I’ll put on a pot of coffee and bring you a cup. What would you like in it?”

“Excellent, I’ll take cream, but no sugar, please,” he replied.

Presently, a young law student brought him three thick volumes of case references. “I think I found what you want Professor Hamilton. I’ve marked the passages you are looking for.”

When the intern left, Mulfinger quickly scanned the marked passages, but the librarian returned with his coffee before he was finished. After he took a sip, he said, “I’m sorry, I said cream with no sugar, but I want it the other way; sugar and no cream. I hate to be a bother.”

She gave a small smile. “No problem Professor. I’ll just get you another cup.”

When she left, he quickly stuffed the three volumes in his briefcase and walked out of the building. Judy was waiting for him in the Corvette.

After he got in the car, he said, “I got what I need. Now let’s get the fuck out of here!”

That evening, he scribbled notes from the law books. “Bernard what are you looking for?” Judy asked.

He looked up. “I’ve just figured out a way to beat the prostitution rap.”

She smiled and tasseled his hair. “You are very clever Bernard, but do you really have a dying wife in Alaska?”

“No I don’t, but I have an ex who lives in Seattle. Unfortunately, she’s very much alive.”

“Bernard, I don’t know very much about you. Tell me about your past.”

He put his notes and the books in his briefcase. “My story is boring. I had a crummy childhood. Both my parents were alcoholics, and there was a lot of screaming and yelling. My father worked as a labor on construction crews when he was sober. I went to work when I was 13 washing dishes, but I swore I wouldn’t work like that when I grew up. I dropped out of high school when I learned I could find out everything I need to know from books. That’s enough bull about me.” What about your past?” he asked.

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